The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?