My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
how it started vs how it ended
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.