You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Close call…
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The three genders.