[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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Weirdos gonna weird.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
what does he know…
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
This meal prepping shit easy
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*