For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
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Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.