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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*