[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??