Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
You Might Also Like
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.