This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.