commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Just me?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
😩😩😩
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
that lip filler tho
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
(Gaming support cat.)
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.