A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.