2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.