I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
lmfao
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower