I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My Guy
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.