please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Optional boss fight.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit