Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
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King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The answer is funnier than the question
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly