If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
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Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
road rage
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.