I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.