DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
You Might Also Like
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
So true for me
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.