*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
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just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
We like the way Dwight thinks
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner