Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
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me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.