[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Ovenable?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.