If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
there’s probably a fee though