Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
You Might Also Like
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.