Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble