them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
You Might Also Like
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Autocorrect is my menesis
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
doing your own taxes
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.