If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
You Might Also Like
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
This week’s mood.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.