WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
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just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more