hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
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Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Noah
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.