My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.