My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Van Gone
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
*Seductively hides in the woods
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask