Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
No, I don’t think I will.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
SF is the wild wild west man
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon