Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.