The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
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Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
More like Kate Missington.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.