I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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[at the general store]
me: one general please
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.