I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
You Might Also Like
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Good Morning.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.