I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“I wouldn’t.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.