“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?