Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.