Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Every photo I’m tagged in
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine