As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Stop being racist to kettles.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely