Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
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rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”