guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I bet birds love this building.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths