#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You Might Also Like
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
umm…
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.