4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
hmmm
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.