My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.