*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…