Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs