Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
You Might Also Like
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.