*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
A bold strategy
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
concern
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives